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a moment of burnt hat

not yet but maybe someday

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Been underwater.  As I write this I’ve just finished yet another session of calculus in which I make a variety of mistakes, and have another go, and make more mistakes, and have another go...I like to quit my work sessions on a positive note so that I’ll go back in strong, but lately I’m quitting out of mental exhaustion because there are no positive notes.  I know I will master this, but at the moment there’s no sign of that happening soon.

The only tiny bit of encouragement comes in the fact that others are struggling, too.  There are only three people who attend the local tutorials and one of them has dropped out, while the other is even farther behind than I am and confessed she had entertained thoughts of chucking it in.  We agreed that the eight-hours-per-week advertised for this course is completely ridiculous unless you’ve had prior exposure to A-levels math.

I have all the books for the physics course I’m taking in September.  I’m supposed to be studying them early, which is a hilarious thought. 

I mentioned a while back that we were having problems with the kids’ school.  After a lot of palaver & kerfuffle (downmarket Abercrombie & Fitch?) we ended up moving them.  It’s a long commute, expensive on petrol, but they are doing well so far.  Fingers crossed.  Meanwhile the Ofsted report for our old school has just been given to parents, and it is a complete disgrace from a leadership standpoint.  I feel terrible for everyone in the community, especially the kids.  There are a lot of wonderful staff members at that school, too.  So discouraging to see what’s gone on there.

I believe the word is draining.  Too many emotions, I suspect resulting in a low-level brain fog blocking my calculus-fu. I’ve had insomnia, a cold, and some work-related wrestling matches with other humans and my own demons.  No training of any kind for weeks now, and I’m sure that’s creating a vicious cycle with insomnia.  I need to knock myself out.  Sometimes the only way I can shut my head down is by sweating the darkness out of myself.

But!  There are signs of life.  Spring is coming, and it’s most welcome here.

I’m a little in love with the book I’m writing, even if it has me in that swoopy place of not knowing what the hell I’m doing and doing it anyway.  It would be impossible to overstate how grateful I am for that Scrivener file, scruffy treasure and touchstone that it is.

I’m going running now.  I need sky.

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